After a long time comes a moment when you feel you have returned to what you were once. Rather you want to return back to what you were. At this point of time I dont really know what it is I want from life, or what it wants from me.
This is actually the time that I decide for myself what I want to do but as always I can find no real goal for myself. Not that I haven't tried to like something. I have tried, with failure, to just start liking a particular aim that I can take up as a vocation. There have been many failed attempts to chart out a directive aim for my life. I have even tried just going with the flow but nothing works.
if there are things that I have aimed at, it comes to me without an expressive happiness at having achieved it. I know this is kind of confusing, since there may be no soul on earth more confused than I am right now.
So I wonder to myself often when I come across great people in great professions worldwide, doing very good for themselves. Were they ALWAYS aware of what they wanted to do? Did they just come across at random any which stream and decide that this was it? This was what they wanted to devote their life to? I may have come across many instances which may have interested me to certain degrees each, but none stood for as long as to indirectly prove my ultimate aim. Which leaves me in my now confused state. There have been instances when I worked for certain goals so hard that I finally achieved what I dreamed of (being the best at most) but never once did I realise that I had reached where I wanted to. After the success of having completed something fruitfully, I was still left confused. Now what?
So now that I am in a reasonably well off scenario, doing well for myself (well, almost) and most imortantly being independent, I am forced to ask myself another question. Can I throw all of this away to try out just one last attempt in life? Will I be satisfied with the results it provides, or will I just have to wander aimlessly for a few more years, or maybe longer? Should I, in my current state of well being (let's forget that my work counts to bare interest for me) just drop away from the position I hold, to just pursue one last interest?

Lights go off on another stage of life. The curtains fall on another act. Here is climax stuck as if incomplete and loud cheers emanate from without. even though it feels like it just began,
the doors have closed on another play. You strive to scream that your role is not over yet. Or act as if confused because what you thought would be a long way to go, the path seems to have lost halfway.

One sleepy eye after another,
the sun shines from a different view
winds fragrant with cool delight
something tells me it's not the same.
The days seem to whisper it.
The nights just sigh their response.
As leaves fall to the ground,
the silently dawning red sun
sparkles on their golden hue
and beckons the change.
Morning clouds drift by silently
acknowledging the bright start
trees shudder off their golden brown rags.
Gnarled branches twist around
the skies have never been so white.
By dusk they turn all grey.

Evening shadows they fall on your doorstep
brushing lightly against fallen leaves
they tell me you haven't walked down this path for so long
and waiting and wishing someday you would
though it's getting cold and the fog's so dense
I hear footsteps behind my back
I turn around not expecting you there
cuz this was the place that we'd last left
have you forgotten all the promises we made?
Or did you just reach up to someone new?
I didn't believe you would come down here today
just following me everywhere.
We left off a lot of things this way
never expecting they would go away
not just all the memories we'd made
but all the words we said.
And now its so hard to find myself here.
You went away without a gaze
while I was sulking down here
and no more words left to say.
Where are you now that I need you the most?
Where is the moment that I waited for?
Even now that you are here with me
your eyes they tell me you're far away
and I never reached out to your self.
Your words they were stolen by the winds
and all the voices faded away
and im all but left alone.
-tq

Blank looks; you're good at them.
easy to pretend nothing ever happened.
And carry on normal as ever.
But remain completely to yourself
When you're not around.
When you're away.
It hardly matters to you.
Overenthusiastic when together.
Completely downplayed when away.
But I still remember old days.
And still pull my cheeks
If only to remind me
There was a time not long ago
When you loved me.
-tq

Four seasons in a day
coffee and sugar just for once
the sunset is behind me
alone and contemplating
is life fair after all?
Learning to be a cheater for once
life teaches new things
let's take it down with a pinch of salt
not realizing at least for once
that someone hurt
happiness and sorrow
like spring and rain
feeling guilt and hatred
so strongly winter
heated arguments
summer
but I need sometime
by myself
so used to being alone
I prefer myself to any
i'm entitled to mistakes
mortal feelings
I dont sign a saint's form
I realise I loved you
it's just suddenly over
I made promises
I know I shouldn't have
blank dark looks
I dont want to speak
wishing you could understand
what I have to say
given loneliness company for so long
it calls me back
I wish you would back out
least of the damage I cud do
I've loved myself so much
that I cant get used to anyone
anyone loving me
so I have to leave you
at least until I make up my mind
get my straight life
nothing's wrong

it wont last forever

we can only try.

- tq

Deceptive.
Looking at you
yet looking away
willing you to back out
yet wanting you to stay
hinting for you to drop it
before it's too late
yet voicing nothing
as if nothing has happened
I am a cheater
having granted everything
even when I was unsure
now I know
but you dont realize
I dont want to be
what they make me out to be
I just need time
to sort it out
I still don't know if I need you
I cant be sure that i'll manage
please let me be this way
I cant talk if im so confused
cant carry on as if nothing happened
I block the thoughts away by day
and welcome it by nights.
Things cant go on this way.
I may not have got used to it
but this is taking even more time
than I thought it would.
I cant pretend it's forever
if today I feel like it wont work.