After a long time comes a moment when you feel you have returned to what you were once. Rather you want to return back to what you were. At this point of time I dont really know what it is I want from life, or what it wants from me.
This is actually the time that I decide for myself what I want to do but as always I can find no real goal for myself. Not that I haven't tried to like something. I have tried, with failure, to just start liking a particular aim that I can take up as a vocation. There have been many failed attempts to chart out a directive aim for my life. I have even tried just going with the flow but nothing works.
if there are things that I have aimed at, it comes to me without an expressive happiness at having achieved it. I know this is kind of confusing, since there may be no soul on earth more confused than I am right now.
So I wonder to myself often when I come across great people in great professions worldwide, doing very good for themselves. Were they ALWAYS aware of what they wanted to do? Did they just come across at random any which stream and decide that this was it? This was what they wanted to devote their life to? I may have come across many instances which may have interested me to certain degrees each, but none stood for as long as to indirectly prove my ultimate aim. Which leaves me in my now confused state. There have been instances when I worked for certain goals so hard that I finally achieved what I dreamed of (being the best at most) but never once did I realise that I had reached where I wanted to. After the success of having completed something fruitfully, I was still left confused. Now what?
So now that I am in a reasonably well off scenario, doing well for myself (well, almost) and most imortantly being independent, I am forced to ask myself another question. Can I throw all of this away to try out just one last attempt in life? Will I be satisfied with the results it provides, or will I just have to wander aimlessly for a few more years, or maybe longer? Should I, in my current state of well being (let's forget that my work counts to bare interest for me) just drop away from the position I hold, to just pursue one last interest?